Which one do you think is the one that really has the money?

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rinty
Posts: 1919
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 3:54 am

Re: Which one do you think is the one that really has the money?

Post by rinty »

EllenMarie wrote:So if one couple buys a 1.9 million dollar home(600k down so loan for 1.3 million),remodeling it completely(that is separate and not included in the cost),has lousy credit score(lost a home before-both husband and wife each when they were single) but building it back up. But they spend like water and want the best bc of the competitive way SF is-they have to make sure their 2 and 4 year old dd are tech savvy,speak different languages,etc in SF she tells me. They are looking at preschools and kindergarten at 2700.00(for one kid) a month and they have to be accepted(you have to pay even to apply). I was telling her how hard is preschool-sheesh!? Save your money for later not now in preschool! I taught my own kids even and just let them go to preschool for fun-and I looked for much cheaper community based ones! She says times have changed-esp in SF?!

So is the one with a 1.3 million dollar loan ahead of the game or is the one who has assets and owns her home outright and does not have any debt or such big expenses, the one that has more money? We have different perspectives and she is telling me she feels poor! I told her how can you feel poor with a 1.9 million dollar home-I am the one compared to you in income wise poor on one income,yet I don't even feel poor! Her asset is herself-she has her own consulting business and she is smart and good at what she does-so that is her saving grace I think. Hubby supposedly makes good money too in the computer world(but he is always in and out of jobs). She went to my cousin's house who is even worse when it comes to spending money(only designer clothes for their little ones and few thousand dollar purses which his parent's cringe at his wife's spending habits) for Thanksgiving this year and my sister wanted to buy these pumpkin pies for 30.00 each and she provided the deep fried turkey from a famous restaurant(easily 100.00). I told her just get the pies from Costco-she said they are not Costco type of people-well,I guess I am a Costco type of person-lol-whatever that means! Heck, I even went cheaper I went to Smart and Final and got the pie(I cook great and from scratch but don't bake sweets) and lol at least my family loved that 6.99 pumpkin pie which was huge!

BUT I was telling her you are in DEBT-MAJOR DEBT now-is it better to be in that much debt-is that really having money? Or is the slow and steady one,no debt at all and only assets to show for it better off,despite not making any income close to theirs(she was telling me 400k a year is nothing these days when I told her my friend gave up his 400k job for peace of mind-so they must make much more I guess and if that is the case we probably make like only 10% of their incomes! So maybe I have it wrong and maybe thinking the old fashioned way which she tells me all the time I have old thinking that doesn't apply anymore. Her hubby puts down my son and laughs that he would never be able to afford to live in SF on his salary of 120k as principal(even with another 20k raise next year) so I guess he must make much more-which kind of puts us down I guess too bc we even make much less than my son now that I don't work!

So I was just wondering between the two who is really better off? This is the sister who divided the breast milk into foremilk,hindmilk and whatever and had them fed on schedule and does not disturb their naptime which is on schedule(we adults have to work around it and schedule our events,dinners and lunches around their time). Then her daughter has anxiety disorder and peanut allergies yet she goes to Thai restaurants who they hardly speak any English and of course accidentally they serve us peanuts and my sister freaks out-I told her don't go to these types of restaurants where many don't understand-you need to take the responsibility not blame the restaurants,etc. Am I being too hard on my sister? I think she is the one kind of causing the anxiety for her child-or am I wrong here? I try to bring it up gently but she hates it bc I have been right about everything in the past and she doesn't want to hear it,but later she finds out and tells me what she discovers(forgetting I told her before that!).

So NOW I rarely say anything bc she gets immediately defensive and shuts me down not wanting to hear it or she will take some innocent non related remark and think I am judging her or disapprove of what she is doing when I had no intention at all of thinking or saying it that way. So I just listen now and don't say anything-I keep mum but sometimes I want to say something bc of the many mistakes in her past and she is closer to me than our mom so in essence I am like her mom growing up.Better not to say anything? I try not to say anything about raising kids bc her kid is "different"(they all are but some basics are the same to teach I think imho) since she has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder(she is only 4) and I know she gets very defensive about her kid of course so I know not to say anything there.She still asks for advice esp like before when she asked about buying a condo in Oakland(bad area) and I told her the real estate market was going to crash,condos are harder to sell out there,esp in Oakland bc of crime,etc but she bought it anyway and real estate crashed as I predicted bc of the frenzy,she lost a lot of money,and the condo(she got those fancy loans that did not sound right but she said the market had changed and they don't have to do the traditional 20% down,you can borrow m ore than 100%,and my thinking was old fashioned and not the way things were done nowadays-see what happens!). Maybe it is MY old age but I am finding out the old ways in life seems best-tried and true and the new fangled ways never seem to pan out lately I find!

Seriously Ellen Marie, don't get involved in any conversations like this.

Like others have said, I don't talk money issues or have any opinions on how my 3 siblings finance their lives and it wouldn't occur to them to discuss them with us. It makes for a much nicer family dynamic IMO.
frugalmom
Posts: 1710
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:52 pm

Re: Which one do you think is the one that really has the money?

Post by frugalmom »

SandiSAHM wrote:My initial thoughts are

1. Why do you associate with people who would put down you, your choices, and your son's success? At the end of the day, no one needs the headache, do they? I don't even care if they're family, with friends like those you don't need enemies.

2. Why let someone else's choices rock your boat? You're happy with your life, right? Why question that?

I know some "rich" people. Some only pretend, some actually are. The wealthiest guy I know (100s of millions) drives a beater and lives in a house, very nice house but still, a house 1/10 the value, probably less, of what he can afford to buy outright. He's never had a mortgage and I've never seen him (known him since 1990) in less than 3000 sq ft. When we worked together he packed his lunches and for Friday evening group outings after work he used to call around from his office to see which bar in town had the best happy hour special price per ounce of beer. I have no doubt that people probably tell him he can "do better" than his beater and his house, but I also know he doesn't care what those people think. My favorite saying of his is, "I already have more than I need."

Letting anyone else in your head? It's the path to dissatisfaction.
Well,first it is family and I love my sister dearly. I don't think she means to put me down(maybe her husband does but I don't think she is doing it on purpose to put me down). I used to say things but not anymore really bc she can get defensive and sensitive. I do want to say something though but I bite my tongue as we found out that she and her husband made a contract with the renter upstairs(my mom's apartment building but her name is partial owner with siblings-not mine bc I don;t want to get involved) and changed the terms that money should go to her(like 6k a month) instead of directly to my mom who needs it to pay her mortgage. When my mom confronted her when the money was not coming in and my son was the one who found out bc he helps grandma and lives with her and watches over her bc she fell a couple of times and could not get up(broke bones,back,etc) so I felt better if my kids looked after her and someone would come home everyday. I know about it but I did not say anything but she told my mom it is to pay for the security gate and plumbing she fixed-which is still not as much. But I stay out of it and let my mom deal with it bc I told my mom be careful with dealing with stuff like that but she doesn't listen either so I let them deal with the problems they create now and I do not get in the middle of it. She is not close with my mom and closer with me.

I don't know why she is like that now as she was not like that before. Maybe as my mom is getting older they are all trying to claim what is theirs, I guess. And my mom set it up that way which is sad and happened to her own siblings too. I told her not to do that. I have not got anything and refused anything at this point bc I worry if my name is on it with them and they don't pay taxes or mortgage etc it will ruin my credit or bankrupt me so I stay out of it but then I may risk losing any inheritance also if they take it all. I don't like to deal with stuff like this obviously so I stay out of it.

I like your example-lol-is he single!?;)
frugalmom
Posts: 1710
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:52 pm

Re: Which one do you think is the one that really has the money?

Post by frugalmom »

rinty wrote:
EllenMarie wrote:So if one couple buys a 1.9 million dollar home(600k down so loan for 1.3 million),remodeling it completely(that is separate and not included in the cost),has lousy credit score(lost a home before-both husband and wife each when they were single) but building it back up. But they spend like water and want the best bc of the competitive way SF is-they have to make sure their 2 and 4 year old dd are tech savvy,speak different languages,etc in SF she tells me. They are looking at preschools and kindergarten at 2700.00(for one kid) a month and they have to be accepted(you have to pay even to apply). I was telling her how hard is preschool-sheesh!? Save your money for later not now in preschool! I taught my own kids even and just let them go to preschool for fun-and I looked for much cheaper community based ones! She says times have changed-esp in SF?!

So is the one with a 1.3 million dollar loan ahead of the game or is the one who has assets and owns her home outright and does not have any debt or such big expenses, the one that has more money? We have different perspectives and she is telling me she feels poor! I told her how can you feel poor with a 1.9 million dollar home-I am the one compared to you in income wise poor on one income,yet I don't even feel poor! Her asset is herself-she has her own consulting business and she is smart and good at what she does-so that is her saving grace I think. Hubby supposedly makes good money too in the computer world(but he is always in and out of jobs). She went to my cousin's house who is even worse when it comes to spending money(only designer clothes for their little ones and few thousand dollar purses which his parent's cringe at his wife's spending habits) for Thanksgiving this year and my sister wanted to buy these pumpkin pies for 30.00 each and she provided the deep fried turkey from a famous restaurant(easily 100.00). I told her just get the pies from Costco-she said they are not Costco type of people-well,I guess I am a Costco type of person-lol-whatever that means! Heck, I even went cheaper I went to Smart and Final and got the pie(I cook great and from scratch but don't bake sweets) and lol at least my family loved that 6.99 pumpkin pie which was huge!

BUT I was telling her you are in DEBT-MAJOR DEBT now-is it better to be in that much debt-is that really having money? Or is the slow and steady one,no debt at all and only assets to show for it better off,despite not making any income close to theirs(she was telling me 400k a year is nothing these days when I told her my friend gave up his 400k job for peace of mind-so they must make much more I guess and if that is the case we probably make like only 10% of their incomes! So maybe I have it wrong and maybe thinking the old fashioned way which she tells me all the time I have old thinking that doesn't apply anymore. Her hubby puts down my son and laughs that he would never be able to afford to live in SF on his salary of 120k as principal(even with another 20k raise next year) so I guess he must make much more-which kind of puts us down I guess too bc we even make much less than my son now that I don't work!

So I was just wondering between the two who is really better off? This is the sister who divided the breast milk into foremilk,hindmilk and whatever and had them fed on schedule and does not disturb their naptime which is on schedule(we adults have to work around it and schedule our events,dinners and lunches around their time). Then her daughter has anxiety disorder and peanut allergies yet she goes to Thai restaurants who they hardly speak any English and of course accidentally they serve us peanuts and my sister freaks out-I told her don't go to these types of restaurants where many don't understand-you need to take the responsibility not blame the restaurants,etc. Am I being too hard on my sister? I think she is the one kind of causing the anxiety for her child-or am I wrong here? I try to bring it up gently but she hates it bc I have been right about everything in the past and she doesn't want to hear it,but later she finds out and tells me what she discovers(forgetting I told her before that!).

So NOW I rarely say anything bc she gets immediately defensive and shuts me down not wanting to hear it or she will take some innocent non related remark and think I am judging her or disapprove of what she is doing when I had no intention at all of thinking or saying it that way. So I just listen now and don't say anything-I keep mum but sometimes I want to say something bc of the many mistakes in her past and she is closer to me than our mom so in essence I am like her mom growing up.Better not to say anything? I try not to say anything about raising kids bc her kid is "different"(they all are but some basics are the same to teach I think imho) since she has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder(she is only 4) and I know she gets very defensive about her kid of course so I know not to say anything there.She still asks for advice esp like before when she asked about buying a condo in Oakland(bad area) and I told her the real estate market was going to crash,condos are harder to sell out there,esp in Oakland bc of crime,etc but she bought it anyway and real estate crashed as I predicted bc of the frenzy,she lost a lot of money,and the condo(she got those fancy loans that did not sound right but she said the market had changed and they don't have to do the traditional 20% down,you can borrow m ore than 100%,and my thinking was old fashioned and not the way things were done nowadays-see what happens!). Maybe it is MY old age but I am finding out the old ways in life seems best-tried and true and the new fangled ways never seem to pan out lately I find!

Seriously Ellen Marie, don't get involved in any conversations like this.

Like others have said, I don't talk money issues or have any opinions on how my 3 siblings finance their lives and it wouldn't occur to them to discuss them with us. It makes for a much nicer family dynamic IMO.
I guess our family dynamic is different bc we grew up talking about money-my mom makes sure we know everything(although I am sure her story is skewed and has holes in it-that is the problem for us children bc we often don't know if she is telling the truth or not and then now a couple of my siblings are like that so you don;t know if what they did was cheating my mom or lying or if my mom was the one who is lying. It is a terrible thing to be in this mess bc you don't know who to believe-and it is still family!? So now (if you see my post about sister making a contract with my mom's tenant to divert the money to her which we just found out and I did not say anything and letting my mom handle it) I just don't really say anything anymore bc I don;t want the headache or bad feelings and like I said you don;t know who is lying or cheating or what. I warned my mom two children will cheat her as they did before take advantage of her and she always covers up for them or defends them yet complains about it and doesn't follow my advice to protect herself and not deal with them in financial matters and have it set up by lawyers(too cheap to do it but ends up using lawyers anyway).

So see I still have this headache even not getting involved as mom complains to me,and I just say you made your decisions so you have to deal with it bc you did not listen to what I have told you over and over so I just let her handle it now. I don't say anything anymore bc no one ever listens anyway and no one wants to hear I told you so(which I want so badly to say bc I have been right every single time with each of them-not even wrong one time!)but I bite my tongue now so i don;t have the headache and stress. Money is not worth it to me and my mom knows that as I told her so many times and never took the carrot she will dangle in front of the children to get what she wants-I ever took the bait and make my own way and never got any money for weddings,education,house,and even as a kid worked summers 14 hour days and worked weekends and holidays year round at my mom's business so never paid and essentially worked for my keep while my younger siblings got everything paid for(not fully funded but they helped them with all of that)-I did not know the difference until when I was older I found out I had a different father who I never met or knew and that is why I was treated differently.

But both sides of the family know everything about each other's finances-maybe different in our culture-despite all this and that we are very close with our family-lol!My bil is even my CPA(hubby's side) and he knows exactly what we make and knows about our finances more than we probably do! I just give him the paperwork he asks for! He owes my hubby 100k too that he sold land and "invested" for us-we will never see that money I know-my hubby knows too but he owes his brother still very much and it is not worth fighting over. We just know who to trust and not to trust when it comes to money-we trust his other brother who is honest and everyone knows we are honest too-like people say to us "too honest" and maybe stupid too(others say that too lol). My hubby is like me we don't want to fight with family and our love is more than money can mean to us,even though we do get mad at times at them.

But out of respect and your advice, I did take down that iniia post as I can't delete posts on this forum even though they had a delete button so I had to backspace it all! I guess I was just venting.
frugalmom
Posts: 1710
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:52 pm

Re: Which one do you think is the one that really has the money?

Post by frugalmom »

OH I just realized as people like you quote my quotes so it doesn't delete even though I backspaced it so I cannot get rid of this post or thread! AiYiYi! Sheesh!
clemencia2us
Posts: 11445
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 9:21 am

Re: Which one do you think is the one that really has the money?

Post by clemencia2us »

EllenMarie wrote:OH I just realized as people like you quote my quotes so it doesn't delete even though I backspaced it so I cannot get rid of this post or thread! AiYiYi! Sheesh!
Well maybe it helped you to vent. I tell the COD all my " problems".
frugalmom
Posts: 1710
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:52 pm

Re: Which one do you think is the one that really has the money?

Post by frugalmom »

clemencia2us wrote:
EllenMarie wrote:OH I just realized as people like you quote my quotes so it doesn't delete even though I backspaced it so I cannot get rid of this post or thread! AiYiYi! Sheesh!
Well maybe it helped you to vent. I tell the COD all my " problems".
Yes, I vent to dh too but lately I don't tell him too much details of these matters anymore. It gets him mad that sometimes they are crooks and taking advantage and that my family and my mom plays games. he always says you are her daughter too born from the same mom, so why do you always get shafted or treated badly and she never has given you anything. I remind him she has offered to put things in my name or offered for me to live in her house but he refused! He always says he is grateful he did not move in with her bc she would drive him nuts bc she is so cheap. She learned from her last dh to freeze everything and she will take food to a potluck and then serve it later on like a month or years even later. Every single time she brings food over we get stomach aches!

So now I don't say much and believe me my husband is all ears trying to listen into my conversations with my family and I guess it sounds weird but I don't want him to think badly of my sister or brothers. I mean I CAN rant about them but not HIM-bc they are MY siblings! So that is why I only tell you all bc there is anonymity(did I spell that right!?) to protect me and them-I kind of protecting them still, I just wish they did not do those things. I also understand my mom's position too, bc if it was your child doing something bad but you still love them bc they are your child and that is why she is defensive bc you don't want to think your child is doing bad things. My uncle was telling me the other day that he tells my mom I am the only one she can trust which I started laughing bc she does NOT trust me and yells at me,but my uncle says she really knows who is the one to trust even though she won't admit it! Of course, he is bias bc he tells me I am his favorite niece all the time-they don;t like my sister for some reason -something happened when she lived with them(I lived with them as well long before she did).
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