gaylejackson2 wrote: ↑
Sun Dec 29, 2019 6:47 pm
Dear Family & Friends,
December 26th was my 3rd Chemo Infusion; Andrew & I were almost through Parley's Canyon to our exit when the check-engine light came on, and our car started acting weird. He dropped me off at Huntsman then headed off for the nearest Ford dealership to see if he could find some answers. Fast forward to the end of that day, our car had an appointment with the Ford dealership in Vernal, but the people in SLC valley were less than helpful, and we drove home carefully.
I spoke to a different Physician's Assistant on Thursday, all the regular ones must have been off for Christmas. She was mainly concerned about my tongue & mouth issues, as well as my on-going constipation battle; she didn't want to discuss anything else.
Only the actually time of having chemo this time was fun, and that was because I had 3 wonderful friends come spend that infusion time with me! Hubby was gone dealing with car issues, so I was happy to have friends with me during this time. I don't remember the last time I laughed so much during a emotionally exhausting time.
Otherwise chemo this time has been positively awful, or rather the post-chemo effects. I have had severe pain, severe irritability, severe disorientation, my vision was yellowish for about 2-3 days afterwards, and now I think that I was beginning to sink into the the depressive stage of grief! It certainly doesn't help that it's gray and gloomy outside, plus being extra cold (-13F at 5am today) so that I feel less inclined to go out walking, which is one of the things that I DO NEED to keep doing. Thoughts on the matter include Winter+chemo+sick-time-of-the-year+cancer= less visitors & greater depression for me. Not saying anyone needs to come visit, just saying that I feel even more isolated now.
My grumpiness and irritability make me also want to change up things in regards to how I let you all know about any updates for me... but I should probably just keep going in the same manner as I am doing for now. What is this change I'm tempted to do? Well as many of you know, I have created a Facebook group, and I'm tempted to post only there to cut down on the number of times & places of posting (except here on MFH, because you all are my village, a HUGE source of support for me). This could also be another feature of of my depression attempting to set in. However if you're tired of hearing from me, tell me know, and I'll deal you out of the next round. You sure wouldn't be the first one... and maybe a reply back once in a while wouldn't hurt you either, hmm? Just so I know these emails aren't shooting off to outer space?
Really not much of an update, this is just more of I'm still here, still slogging along the path of cancer-free. It's not an easy path, nor is it swift, but if I keep on like the tortoise, it is slow & sure. Just kind of bumpy.
People keep asking me when I'm going to be "back to normal" again?! All I can say is seriously??!!?? Who even knows the answer to that question??!! I begin to think there is NO NORMAL, unless you're thinking of normal activity (that is a long time in the future, as the few little things I've done over the past 2 weeks have shown me); some days I think my new normal is going to be sore chest, swollen belly, all-over-body pain, icy-coldness, cramping hands & feet, no hair, mood swings, irritability, disorientation, blurry vision, gastrointestinal distress, heart palpitations, severe exhaustion, horrible mouth pain & tongue sores, severe nausea, painful scalp, skin sores across the body, and a few other things that my tired mind cannot remember just now.
For someone going through cancer, There Is No Normal like you think of Normal. There is only the do what you can today to survive another day's agony!! My daily agonines also include not being mobile like I used to be, not being able to care for my family as I previously did (I cleaned my bathtub & the toilet last night and I was as exhausted as if I had Subbed a full day of PE classes & walked 7 miles across the high school campus), no driving, still doing less repetitive motions, and basically all the same things as last time that I said I couldn't do.
Thank you for all of your prayers. I think I need them far more Now than ever before because its going to take a lot to drag myself out of the depressive funk I feel like I'm sinking into. I feel like I had stopped praying for awhile too, and that has changed, I'm praying more & harder now again. I miss going to the Temple, but I want to go again somehow, even just doing an hour's worth of initiatory would be so very helpful; I just do not know how to get there as I'm still not driving.