Being selfish or surviving?

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icfrugal1
Posts: 2254
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 12:54 am

Being selfish or surviving?

Post by icfrugal1 » Tue Apr 16, 2019 2:45 pm

MY DH barely survived his childhood. (I'm really not so sure that he has survived it :( )

He is the oldest of 7, (now 6 a brother died a few years ago of drug/drinking complications)

DH's sister just behind him married and left the state years ago. She is a grandmother now.

Two of DH's brothers have lived with his mother for many years. One for 20 plus years, one with his girlfriend for 5 plus years.

The youngest brother married and has a wonderful wife and her family, does call their mother, but even though he is an hour or two away he doesn't visit, even when their mother has been in the hospital.

So that "leaves" the youngest daughter who has left her state to move in wit h their mother and take care of her. It's sometimes a 24/7 , she is doing a wonderful job, she is "making" her mother do as much as she can for herself.

So the question is, is it selfish for the "kids" who could get out to get out?

DH "got out" when he went to University, when he was 18. Part of DH feels selfish that he didn't stay to try to "save" the younger kids.

I had Parents, so it's hard for me to understand parents who don't put their kids first. :|

IC

icfrugal1
Posts: 2254
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 12:54 am

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by icfrugal1 » Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:20 pm

the brothers, who live there, do help a bit but~~~

one brother drinks from the time that he gets home and weekends.

the other brother is in bad health, and his girl friend drinks after work and weekends,

the brothers and girl friend do not get alone, very toxic :?

the mother has been able to go to bingo again.(she has gambled all of her money away over the years)

We are very concerned about DH's sister . She is in very bad health, she needs two new knees and can barely walk, yet she is "changing their mother"working on the mother changing herself. DSIL's though is that if you can go to bingo, you can change your self. The mother "plays" the little old lady very well.

DSIL only give MILs $100.00 for bingo, MIL is very upset about that, she wants $200 plus per week.

We want MIL to hire someone to help SIL, MIL says that there is no money for it, plus it would upset son to have someone in the house.

AUUGGGGGGGGGG

IC

ohjodi
Posts: 888
Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2015 3:57 pm

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by ohjodi » Tue Apr 16, 2019 4:12 pm

Does the mother have Medicare? She should let her doctor know she needs help. She may qualify for a home care aide.

Your husband would not have been able to "save" his siblings, at 18. He was a child. And within the home of an abusive parent, the parent always wins.

Adult children of abusive parents do not owe them anything. EVER. They are not parents. They are terrorists. The brother who keeps his distance is wise. The drunks living with her should be helping her, or they should leave. The youngest sister, who moved there to take care of her, should leave, and not let the mother suck the rest of her life out of her. Maybe it's time to put mom in a home.

I'm the oldest of four daughters. Our mother is a terrorist. the youngest is the only one who talks to her or helps her, anymore, and I think she's finally getting fed up with it, at 37 years of age. Mom lives two doors down from me. I told her she can call me if she needs a ride to the hospital, but that's it.
ohjodi

clemencia2us
Posts: 3779
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 9:21 am

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by clemencia2us » Tue Apr 16, 2019 6:11 pm

I don’t know. The whole situation is sad.

ChristmasTrees
Posts: 1082
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 12:53 am

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by ChristmasTrees » Tue Apr 16, 2019 6:17 pm

I don't know either, but I think it is surviving. Sad and horrible. Why do some people even have children? Just don't.

icfrugal1
Posts: 2254
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 12:54 am

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by icfrugal1 » Tue Apr 16, 2019 6:42 pm

sadly SIL has been "trained" even though she is a grandmother herself, to take care of her mother.

SIL remembers her mother working in a bar and leaving her home to take care of the younger kids, then her mother coming home and changing and going out back to the bar. !!!!! When she talks to her mother about it, her mother tells her that "she doesn't" want to talk about it. GGGRRRR :x :x :x :x

It's so sad.

Yes, she is on Medicare and we can't find help that "they" will pay for, MIL may have to much income for that,

BIL's and girl friend won't move out.

MIL "claims" that there is no drinking or nastiness there.

DH and I are not looking forward to Easter, we were sick at Christmas, but there was a lot of drinking and slamming of doors .

IC

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