Being selfish or surviving?

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clemencia2us
Posts: 3532
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 9:21 am

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by clemencia2us » Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:05 pm

Just heard another story of awful abuse, caretaking etc -whatever you want to call it

So much of it happens around here.

gaylejackson2
Posts: 1494
Joined: Tue Sep 08, 2015 1:13 pm
Location: Utah

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by gaylejackson2 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:40 pm

I think your hubby survived!

My Dh (probably to blame for much of how he handles life) is youngest of 6. His dad was USAF, did 3 tours in Vietnam, then bought his uncle's failing ranch in eastern Oregon, he died 3 months after we married, and was abusive for much of dh's childhood & teenage years. His Mom has bad OCD, was checked out from reality during Dh's childhood, when she wasn't being abusive or hiding his & his brother's clothes or soaking them in water laden with detergent & fabric softener for hours, then sending them off to school in wet clothes each morning.
He got through life by hiding his clothes from his Mom, washing them out in the front creek, hiding out in an old cabin on their property, and shooting & eating squirrels in summer -- no school lunch then. He had an old .22 rifle that he walked the hills & mtns of their property with, he was in charge of killing varmints that could ruin their crops. He had very few Christmas presents, ditto for birthdays, and really not many happy memories, other than walking the ditchbanks with his old rifle & his dog.

His 2 sisters left home at 17-18 to attend college, got married, and so on. Dsil#1 lives near us, but we aren't allowed to know where (her grandson has let enough hints drop on days when I've Subbed in his classes that I've figured out where they live), as she has basically disowned us -- unless she, or her daughter who lives with her, needs something. Fine with me, we don't need their drama.

Dsil#2 divorced her first dh, then moved to Oregon & married someone off a dating service (not saying that is bad, just is weird who she ended up with). She lives about 2 hours away from dmil, and tries to run Dmil's care -- even when it's not in dmil's best interests. We are on good terms with her son, and he lives near my 2 oldest brothers. WE get along okay with her daughter, though I'm struggling a bit -- dneice is trying to break into writing books, but they need work desperately. Dsil#2 likes to create turmoil, so we don't always get along with her either.

None of Dh's brothers have left home for more than a few months (well dbil did leave on a LDS mission to England 25 years ago, but came back to stay), and none have married. One is gay, one is disabled mentally/physically, and we're not sure what's up with dbil45. None are or have been married, adn live with dmil. They all bicker incessantly, and we can usually only handle short visits. I tend to hide upstairs when we visit, or we go to the Snake River a lot, just avoid his family's bickering -- they are good for about 3 days, then the fighting starts.

Quilter51
Posts: 397
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2015 6:04 pm

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by Quilter51 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:46 pm

I agree that he survived. The older I get, the more I realized exactly how blessed I am to have the family that I do (no one's family is perfect and we all have issues relating to siblings and parents and the like, I know that).

I'm going to suggest that you overrule mom and simply order in. Don't present it as going against mom, present it as helping SIL as she is overwhelmed.

icfrugal1
Posts: 2206
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 12:54 am

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by icfrugal1 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:32 pm

gaylejackson2 wrote:
Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:40 pm
I think your hubby survived!

My Dh (probably to blame for much of how he handles life) is youngest of 6. His dad was USAF, did 3 tours in Vietnam, then bought his uncle's failing ranch in eastern Oregon, he died 3 months after we married, and was abusive for much of dh's childhood & teenage years. His Mom has bad OCD, was checked out from reality during Dh's childhood, when she wasn't being abusive or hiding his & his brother's clothes or soaking them in water laden with detergent & fabric softener for hours, then sending them off to school in wet clothes each morning.
He got through life by hiding his clothes from his Mom, washing them out in the front creek, hiding out in an old cabin on their property, and shooting & eating squirrels in summer -- no school lunch then. He had an old .22 rifle that he walked the hills & mtns of their property with, he was in charge of killing varmints that could ruin their crops. He had very few Christmas presents, ditto for birthdays, and really not many happy memories, other than walking the ditchbanks with his old rifle & his dog.

His 2 sisters left home at 17-18 to attend college, got married, and so on. Dsil#1 lives near us, but we aren't allowed to know where (her grandson has let enough hints drop on days when I've Subbed in his classes that I've figured out where they live), as she has basically disowned us -- unless she, or her daughter who lives with her, needs something. Fine with me, we don't need their drama.

Dsil#2 divorced her first dh, then moved to Oregon & married someone off a dating service (not saying that is bad, just is weird who she ended up with). She lives about 2 hours away from dmil, and tries to run Dmil's care -- even when it's not in dmil's best interests. We are on good terms with her son, and he lives near my 2 oldest brothers. WE get along okay with her daughter, though I'm struggling a bit -- dneice is trying to break into writing books, but they need work desperately. Dsil#2 likes to create turmoil, so we don't always get along with her either.

None of Dh's brothers have left home for more than a few months (well dbil did leave on a LDS mission to England 25 years ago, but came back to stay), and none have married. One is gay, one is disabled mentally/physically, and we're not sure what's up with dbil45. None are or have been married, adn live with dmil. They all bicker incessantly, and we can usually only handle short visits. I tend to hide upstairs when we visit, or we go to the Snake River a lot, just avoid his family's bickering -- they are good for about 3 days, then the fighting starts.
Thank you so much for sharing !!! I'm trying to think of some words, but I can't .

What is gong to happen to the BIL's when she dies?

IC

colonialgirl
Posts: 1400
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2015 2:01 am
Location: Central Illinois

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by colonialgirl » Wed Apr 17, 2019 3:58 pm

This is just a sad story. The older I get in life, the more I see how all our lives are shaped by our childhoods with our parents. Sounds like SIL is treated like a dog. Can't order dinner? Mom is 88 - tell her NO and order it.

You all have heard me talk about my mama. I loved her more than life itself, but there is no way I would have let her rule me like that (not that she ever would have). But then I know from my sister, that there are people who never view their children as anything but appendages of their own lives.

No one has a right to demand things from someone else because of guilt, obligation or DNA. Children are not an old age plan. But I do know these kinds of folks choose their victims carefully. They don't pick someone who will stand up to them, but rather someone who wants to please and won't fight back. And they don't appreciate that care or help when it is given. It is never enough. It infuriates me.

I am so very sorry that you all have to deal with this. And the answer to the initial question - it is surviving.

clemencia2us
Posts: 3532
Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2015 9:21 am

Re: Being selfish or surviving?

Post by clemencia2us » Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:46 pm

And the lies!

Just heard a story from a friend about one of her co-workers. I told her it sounded suspicious and she said, yes they had talked about it.

The person in question has weird medical issues and so do her children.

She wouldn't tell me her name cuz she knows i am nosy. But gee - i guess she thinks i can't find out. Took me ten minutes of googling to find her and the stories she is telling at work can no way pan out.

Involves military stuff - so my ears perked up when she first mentioned it

Who knows what this woman is telling her kids.

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